Leaving Societal Norms Behind

Betrayal

Betrayal

It’s tough. I mean, it’s really, really hard when someone you’ve opened yourself up to completely has taken advantage of your vulnerabilities. When someone you have an intensely deep connection to breaks your heart … not by ignoring you, not by leaving you, or cheating on you (well those things too), but by lying to you. By taking your trust hostage and throwing it to the flames. When someone makes you regret opening up. When someone you love and care about makes you feel like closing back up and never opening up again. Yeah… betrayal hurts like a fucking bitch.

 

The sad part is, that it’s really just immaturity sometimes that keeps things from going well. Someone not being able to be honest with themself or others. Someone just plain sucking at communication. How do you go about dealing with a situation that you otherwise would have been 100% okay with, if only they had told you that’s what the situation was, or that that’s what they wanted, or had some sort of conversation with you about something.

 

No, instead of being a grown up, some people like to play chicken. They hide their feelings and their motives and their actions because they’re so scared to tell you. They don’t realize that the only thing that’s really going to harm you is the fact that they’re keeping things from you. Be an adult. Why won’t you be an adult? Why can’t you just grow up and take responsibility for yourself and your actions and your relationships? Be open. Be honest. Be 100% with the person you love. Otherwise…what’s the point?

 

Polyamory is all about open communication. It doesn’t work if you can’t be honest. It doesn’t work if you don’t make sure things are consensual. It doesn’t work if you don’t try. That’s the other thing that makes relationships fail…when people give up before they’ve even tried. Someone says they love you. Someone says they want to be with you. Maybe you even have had multiple conversations about how you want things to be. But then it comes down to it – it’s game time, time to test this shit out – and they don’t even show up. They aren’t even sitting on the bench, or watching from the bleachers. Not only are they not on the team anymore (yeah, they quit), but they went right ahead and took a flight out of town.

 

Coward. That’s what you call someone who isn’t willing to face reality. Who isn’t willing to either accept things the way they are, to try to change them, or to say they don’t want them. They do nothing. They aren’t an active player in their life. I wouldn’t call them passive, either. They’re somewhere else completely. They aren’t present enough to be classified as active OR passive. They’re just gone. And just like that, you’ve lost something.

 

I’m not sure if it’s because things are too intimidating. Maybe that’s why they fled. Or, it could be they just never wanted this. Which is fine. Polyamory isn’t for everybody. And not everyone is into everyone else. So when someone doesn’t want to date me, that’s fine. I get it. I get both of those things. I understand 100% why it wouldn’t work for some people. I can accept not being loved by another (or, someone not wanting to be with me even if they do love me). I can, also, accept that someone can’t handle polyamory. And within the parameters of polyamory…I can accept pretty much anything. I’m fine with anyone I’m dating, dating anyone else they want to. I’m fine with any type of connections or relationship or dynamic. I’m okay with the fact that everyone is different, and everyone needs different things, and some things work and some things don’t and sometimes things need to be renegotiated. But…what I can’t accept…is when someone lies to me.

 

Betrayal. Yes, I feel betrayed. I opened up my heart and soul in a way I’ve never been able to before. I was more myself, more alive, than I’ve ever been in my life. Not only am I crushed because I was lied to. Not only am I crushed because I now feel like I’ll never be able to open again. I am crushed because the one thing I was worried about, the one big vulnerability I had (that I shared with my partner)…that was the reason I delayed opening myself up in the first place…the reason I was terrified to trust…that’s exactly what happened. And it happened to me by the one person I told that secret to. My vulnerability was exploited and abused by the one person I allowed to know about it. That. That’s what hurts me the most. That’s why I feel betrayed. That’s why I can’t open back up again. And that’s why I had to cut you out of my life completely.

 

It wasn’t the fact that you couldn’t be with me. It wasn’t the fact that you had started dating another person. It wasn’t the fact that you had been ignoring me for a week straight RIGHT after I opened myself up to you. It’s the betrayal. It’s that sting that yells at me “why did you trust him?” It’s that pain, deep inside me – that bittersweet taste… that reminds me… that the only person who’s ever been able to make me feel truly alive…is the person who has destroyed me.

 

And that feeling is never going to go away completely. But it’s time for me to move forward. Move on. Keep going. Or else I’ll be consumed. Or else I’ll fall into complete and utter despair. So, this is me opening up one last time to tell you that I was right to be afraid. I was right to be uncertain when it came to trusting you. I’ll never make that mistake again. And even though you thrust a stake deep into my core…I wish you well. Goodbye.

J

I am a gender fluid pansexual vegan Wiccan mama who is polyamorous (and forms connections through the freedom of relationship anarchy). I love writing, photography, dancing, travel, hiking, cooking, kissing, and motherhood.


Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *