Here I am. I’m taking a shot, and putting myself out there. Most likely a lot of you won’t understand why I’m doing what I’m doing. A lot of you probably won’t approve of it either. But I’m done playing a part I wasn’t designed for. I’m done playing into societal norms. I’m happy within my marriage – I love my husband and kids. But I need to be who I truly am. So I’m risking all my security, all my comfort, my passive reality, my nest … I’m risking everything I know, at the chance that I might be able to fly.
What Is Polyamory Anyway?
Many people don’t understand the term polyamorous. As with most things that don’t fit into the typical white, heterosexual world of what is expected and assumed, whenever it is brought up in conversation it is mainly coined to mean something sexual. If anyone wants to find a deeper connection with anyone else, of course it has to be about sex, doesn’t it? I’m here to prove that stereotype wrong
Polyamory has its roots in Greek and Latin. The Greek word “poly” simply means many or several (basically more than one). The Latin word “amor” means love. If you look up the meaning of polyamory on Google it will describe the word as meaning “the practice of, or desire for, intimate relationships with more than one partner, with the knowledge of all partners.” In short – it means you love more than one person intimately. Intimately doesn’t necessary have anything to do with sex. A mother-daughter relationship can be intimate, as well as any friendship or other close relationship, but in this context it means people you are dating/married to/want to be with. Polyamory is not a free for all, or an orgy, or just some sleazeball cheating on their partner, or sleeping with tons of people. Polyamory can include lots of different sexual components – and no two polyamorous situations are exactly alike – but sex is not the main focus or concept.
Above all, polyamorous relationships are consensual. If everyone does not agree to how things are setup within the relationship then it is not polyamory. You have to be ethical, responsible, and very open with your communication to be in a true and consensual polyamorous relationship. However, within that construct, you can design your relationship or life in whatever way suits you and your partners. Some individuals are in monogamous polyamorous relationships where there is just a group of 3 (or more) people who are all dating each other and no one else. Others are in situations where they openly date multiple people, with the consent of all the people involved. Sometimes polyamory is as simple as a couple deciding to take on more openly sexual experiences where they experiment with others. Polyamory can come in any shape, size, or flavor. But I want to stress it is not cheating on your partner. Like I said before, the most important factor in any polyamorous relationship is making sure that everything is consensual (with all parties involved).
This brings me to my current situation. I am a female (though I don’t necessarily consider myself a woman – I’ll cover that in a different post). I am a wife. I am a mother. I am married to a man. He loves me, and I love him. I can’t imagine my life without him. He’s one of my absolute best friends. I’m extremely honored to get the chance to raise a family with him. We have two beautiful daughters. I am happy.
Let me make one thing clear here and now – a relationship, no matter how amazing, cannot be the entirety of who you are. A relationship cannot be the sole source of your happiness. A relationship where the people involved are getting their happiness only from within the relationship have a very unstable and unhealthy relationship. Happiness needs to be something you have within yourself and on your own. It should be something you are bringing into the relationship, not something you are taking from it. So I will say again that yes, I am happy. I am happy within my relationship. And I am happy within myself, with who I am, with where I’m headed in life, etc. However, in order for me to feel completely fulfilled I need to consider all aspects of myself – all parts of my identity, as well as all of my wants and needs.
I am a woman. I am married to a man. I currently consider myself asexual (which means I do not find any interest in sex). I also consider myself a “lesbian pansexual,” which is my own term for the fact that I prefer to date women and I am only physically attracted to women, but I am not closed off to any connection with anyone (regardless of gender, sex, or orientation). What matters most to me is a meaningful connection and a deep relationship. That being said, I have been feeling an extreme longing lately for the type of life I could have had, the type of life I still hope to incorporate into the one I’ve already created. I want to be with a woman.
What Does Polyamory Mean For Me?
My husband and I have discussed many times what we think and how we feel about the concept of connections, of sex, of dating, of gender, of passion, of nature, and of relationships in general. We’ve come to the conclusion that it is somewhat sadistic to deny someone their feelings. Though I completely respect all other relationship options out there, monogamous and non-monogamous alike, the idea of cutting yourself off when you feel a connection to someone outside your relationship just doesn’t sit well with me. I have so much love to give, why should I keep it so closed up? Why should I hinder my ability to connect with others and to spread love? My husband and I both agree that if you have feelings for someone (and I’m not talking about random flings based off of sexual urges but real, genuine feelings for someone) that you shouldn’t have to hide that part of yourself – to yourself, to your partner, to the person you have the feelings for, or to the world. Hiding away your feelings, to me, is equivalent to hiding away yourself.
I want to be free. I want to be my true self. And this is how I’ve come to this point. I’ve decided to start dating women, with the consent of my husband of course. Everything needs to be consensual, remember? I’ve decided to take on this portion of my identity and see where it takes me. I’m open to anything. I don’t know where this will take me in the future. Who knows? Maybe I’ll end up settling down in a home with my husband and my new female partner. Maybe I’ll continue to live with my husband but still date another woman (or two, or three). Maybe I’ll move into a place with another woman, a place of our own, while I stay close to my husband emotionally, and committed to them both. Maybe I’ll date casually only. Maybe I’ll date someone exclusively. Maybe I’ll settle down with a new female partner and have more babies. I have no clue. And for once in my life I am embracing the fact that I don’t know the future. I am embracing the fact that anything could happen. I am embracing the fact that this could all end in an amazing polyamorous fairy tale, or potentially burn down in flames and completely ruin my existence. I have no clue what is going to happen. But I’m excited.
So, here I go. I’m jumping off into the unknown. Wish me luck as I navigate the exotic new waters of the deep, deep societal sea.