I must be crazy. As I sat in my messy living room today – a baby on my breast, a 4 year old running around loudly, toys strewn across the floor – I had a thought. A terrifying thought. I think I want another kid.
Why in the world? I really must be crazy. Things are constantly so hectic. But they’ve been less stressful lately. My husband and I have fallen into a good balance with the children and it’s been so great. I’ve actually be happy lately. Happy and satisfied within my life (though that doesn’t mean I’m not constantly trying to improve it). But, honestly, it has been really nice. I’m not freaking out all the time. I don’t feel like all the work is on me. I’m actually enjoying my time with my kids – thank you Spirit!
I don’t know…
Maybe it’s the fact that my youngest is now able to crawl around on her own and somewhat preoccupy herself for a few moments at a time so that I don’t feel smothered by her. Maybe it has something to do with how my husband and I have been making a point to have a weekly date night (getting out of the house without the kids and being able to just hangout and reconnect is so incredibly nice, and extremely beneficial). Maybe it’s because I have been feeling like my relationship with my eldest daughter is again starting to flourish. I really have no clue. But while I was sitting there in all the noise, in the center of all that mess, I just had this feeling.
It’d be nice to add another member to our family. For some reason, that I really can’t explain, I no longer feel like our family is complete. Is baby fever sneaking up again on me already? Is this a real want or just a passing thought? I guess we’ll see.
It’s just funny. I had been telling my husband how badly I wanted him to get a vasectomy. I was adamant on the idea that I did not want anymore kids, ever. That this was way too much already. I had told myself I didn’t need anymore crazy birth experiences. But here we are. It’s funny how the mind can change just like that. The heart opens up a little bit, the light is allowed to shine through, and BAM! An idea arises that hits you like a friggin’ freight train.
I’ll tell you one thing for sure. No matter how bad I want more kids, I am definitely waiting til I’ve had more time to travel and explore the world and myself. My initial goal after having my first was to wait until she was 8 til I had another. It didn’t go very well the first time around (I only made it 4 years), but let’s see how things go this time. I’m begging myself to wait. Ha, we’ll see.
Wish me luck!
(And maybe knock me over the head a few times to snap me out of this.)