So, my husband went out on his first date-thing with a new partner last night. Honestly, I swear I am so happy he did before me. He broke the tension. I was so worried I’d go out and find someone and then he’d end up getting super weird and jealous about it and it’d cause all these problems. I’ve heard so many issues with poly relationships in FB discussions recently. I really didn’t want that to be us. We’re so open with each other and we have a deep spiritual connection. I didn’t want to ruin that by making some stupid rookie mistake. So… Yay! He went out. He was so cute! All bashful and blushing when he came home to tell me about it. All giddy. He was so excited! And happy. It was so great! I’m genuinely really happy for him.
But then there’s a problem that I didn’t consider encountering. When I realized I was polyamorous and wanted to have multiple relationships, I had talked to him about it and he seemed completely fine with it but also seemed like he did want anyone else but me. Which was fine. But, so I hadn’t really expected him to go out with anybody else. I’m not saying there’s a jealousy issue, but mainly I hadn’t really taken any time to consider what it would be like if he did start dating. I hadn’t realized how dynamics would have to change. Of course things would have to change! Why would I assume they wouldn’t? But I think it’s going to take some time for us to figure out a good balance. It was only his first date after all.
Problem is…my needs. That’s really what it boils down to. Even though it was just the one evening, I felt completely disrespected because my needs weren’t being met. I felt overlooked. Taken for granted. And I get it, NRE (new relationship energy) and all that. He was excited. And it was his first date. I get that, honestly. But I still feel hurt.
First off, this came out of nowhere. He left to go play basketball with his friends and then came back and said he had met someone and they had asked if he wanted to hang out. (Which apparently had to be right then. But it was whatever. I was fine with that.)
Issue was I hadn’t really wanted him to leave in the first place to even go out with his friends. I wanted help with the kids. But I was happy for him and he was exploring a new part of himself. So I told him it was all cool. I wanted to be lenient. I could handle the kids longer if I needed to. I’d let them get to know each other before he had to come back to domestic life.
But then we agree he’s coming home at 10, and I really need help with the kids. And he comes home and he’s in such a good mood and he’s playing better with our eldest daughter than he normally does. He’s got more patience. It was great. (He was a little drunk already at this point, but it was really nice.) I start making up a late dinner because we’re both hungry. And he announces that he invited his uncle over to hangout. He apologized cuz he knows I don’t really like having people come over late, especially when it’s not a planned thing. He says they’ll just have a bonfire in the back or something.
Normally I’d be a little upset, or tell him that he’s got to tell his uncle he can’t come over. We’ve got kids. And I need my space. You know? But I let it slide. He’s having such a good night and I don’t want to ruin it for him. So I say it’s okay.
He gets a text (he had been texting since he got home on and off) and he suddenly says he has to go. I ask him why. He’s like “I don’t know but I’ve got to go.” I try to explain that I’m making dinner, I don’t want him gone long. I ask him to please be back soon. And he says he’ll be right back, it won’t be long. So, after only being home for like 15 minutes, he leaves, again, to go see this girl. (With another bottle full of alcohol, mind you.)
His uncle shows up and I offer him a drink and I finish making the food. I see the clock tick by. It’s 11 something. I call my husband and tell him the food is done. He responds in hushed tones that I should just put it in the microwave, and he doesn’t know when he’ll be back. I remind him his uncle is there waiting for him, and that he said he’d be back. Then I eat my dinner. I put the baby to bed after she passes out at my breast. My eldest daughter falls asleep on the couch. My uncle-in-law and I make awkward small talk.
And then my husband returns at midnight. He barely takes note of me. And he goes into the kitchen to eat the dinner I cooked him and have more drinks with his uncle. I’m feeling hurt, so I just go lay down in bed. My husband stays up drinking and listening to music with his uncle for a while (until 4am), at which point he moves our daughter into the bed and passes out on the couch.
I don’t know. I’m feeling very hurt right now. Very unloved. I got upset with him this morning, after explaining how everything went for me and how I was feeling last night. And he’s just like “I already said I’m sorry! What do you want me to do? I already feel bad!” But he doesn’t actually comfort me. He doesn’t give me a hug and a kiss and make me feel wanted. After taking our daughter to a kids fun run she was signed up for we come home and he just goes back to sleep. (He did stay up til 4am, I get it, he’s tired.)
But shit! So am I! I’m tired! I’m exhausted actually! My body is basically shaking, and I keep almost crying. I’m upset and hurt and I just want some time and energy put towards me. I want to feel loved too. It’s hard enough for married couples with kids to have moments alone where they can be intimate, let alone spend time on each other emotionally. But it’s important! And DAMN IT it’s 100x more important if there are more partners in the mix! Everyone should be loved and appreciated.
I’m honestly, genuinely happy for him. I want him to date people if that is something he wants to do. I understand that. I appreciate and accept that. I get that. But I can’t tolerate falling to the side lines while he gets swept up on some crazy NRE ride. I matter too! ..it was only the first date… And he was drunk (idk why he kept drinking?). Maybe I should cut him some slack. I don’t WANT to be upset with him.
But….I can’t stop myself from feeling hurt either.