When you’ve got so many feelings and you’re not exactly sure how to express it, but you need to get it all out, and the person you’re talking to is a long-time friend who you’ve always sort of been in-love with, but who you also haven’t been super close with recently due to past drama with your husband (though that’s cleared up now because you’re all friends again), and you want to bring them back into your life and you think you want a relationship with them, but they don’t understand any of the new terms that now define your life…
I’m not looking for some long-term commitment in the sense of finances, or children, or living together or even planning to spend much time together. For all I care we could continue to only see each other rarely if that’s what you prefer. What I want is basically like a deep connection, like we have. But the ability to express that connection with words and actions. A loving, and close friendship pretty much – we are there for each other when it comes to needing emotional support and we go do fun stuff together – also plus cuddling and kissing. Being able to show our affection physically.
And no sex.
I don’t want to sleep with you. But I want to be able to be intimate with you physically. And I don’t care if you go sleep with whoever the hell you want or date other people or whatever. I don’t even care about the actual label so much. You might ask, then what’s the difference between just being friends and being romantic partners with someone who is asexual? Well… It’s just a deeper connection. And the way you think about the relationship is different. Like someone on one of the poly groups I’m a part of put it “I adore my friends, I love them, but I’m in love with my partners (or have the potential to be).”
We don’t need to live together.
We don’t need to pay for each other for shit (unless we genuinely want to).
We can make our own plans.
Hang out with our own people.
I feel like it’s hard for me to explain properly. Lol. I’ve been doing all this digging into polyamory for months now. Reading tons of articles and books and I’m part of multiple different poly FB groups, learning lots about different people and the way they form their unique relationships and lifestyles. Reading about people’s struggles and their triumphs. So I’m fairly confident at this point about what I want. But also open to the possibilities of life and the future.
…so… sometimes it’s hard for me to slow down and let other people catch up to where I’m at. Lol.
When I’m interested in something I dive deep into it and learn so much so fast.
The real big difference for me between where we are now and where I want to be is mainly a mental switch for me. Allowing myself to feel fully for you. And allowing myself to express it.
As well as the physical aspect. But that goes along with disengaging the mental block. Lol.
I’ve also thought about the whole concept of going out on dates. Which sounds exciting, but also sounds intimidating. And I’m not sure I’ve ever really been into formal dating. I’m more of a “wanna grab something to eat?” Or “wanna kick it at the beach?” sort of person. Not a “Would you like to go on a date with me?” kind of person. Cuz I feel like official “dates” are so formal and rigid and awkward. I don’t want awkward. I just want to have a good time with you. With you and my husband, with you and other people, or sometimes just with you. But, like, whatever, the titling of it is what I don’t really care about.
Anyhoo… Like I said in the letters though, I’m still figuring myself out. Gotta put in a lot of work with that. So I’m not fully ready to embrace everything. Need to work myself into it.
I guess the place to start with us… Would simply be spending more time together. Alone, as well as with others.
Ultimately though…I’d like to get to a point where I could give you a hug/kiss goodbye. Not that I would have to all the time, but that I’d feel comfortable doing so. I was thinking about it when you and my husband left the music yesterday. He came over and gave me a kiss. And I wish I could have given you one too. But I don’t feel comfortable enough to do that yet. I wanna be able to feel comfortable and natural with the flow of our connection.