I’ve learned a lot about relationships and being a healthy person through my investigation into polyamory.
It’s helped me realize how being independent and loving myself first, and tending to my own needs and living my own life, is extremely important.
Mainstream culture is so focused on pushing us into couples where two identities then merge and become one. But that’s such an unhealthy way to even think about relationships.
Being WITH someone doesn’t mean you’re suddenly part of them or they suddenly define who you are. It’s really important to maintain your own existence, your own presence, your own identity while in a relationship. Otherwise you put too much pressure on the other person to pick up your slack. And everything is taken too personally. And it leads to greater problems of jealousy and possession and other kinds of relationship abuse. Plus it makes any break ups seem like the end of the world.
Believe me, I get that feeling. But they SO aren’t. Each break up, just like each new relationship, is a new start. An opportunity to explore and figure stuff out. An opportunity to try a new setup for your life.
When you get passed the idea of “sharing someone” and get to the concept that everyone is their own individual and they’re sharing themselves with you. They aren’t yours. Therefore, you can’t share them. They aren’t yours to decide what to do with. You can’t control them. (Even when people try to control another’s actions, they can’t control their feelings.) Then you realize how you yourself are also an individual. You deserve to advocate for yourself and your own needs. You’re also responsible for your own life and your own happiness. Taking that kind of control over your identity and yourself, your life is extremely empowering. Finalizing grasping that it’s all up to you. You get to choose. Makes everything seem so much more realistic. So much better. So much more free.
When you come to the conclusion that you will be fine alone. And that you are all you really need. It frees you from the idea that you need somebody. Which in turn allows you to actually Want somebody. And vice versa it allows you to seek out those who genuinely want you, who genuinely want to be with you and want to make the effort, opposed to those who only need you.
It’s not wrong to feel like you need someone sometimes, and it’s not wrong for others to feel like they need you sometimes. But let me stress the “sometimes”. Because it definitely should not be always.
I am incredibly happy I took this path towards polyamory. I’ve discovered so much about myself and my relationships. I’ve grown a lot too! It’s enabled me to become more of the person I want to be. More of the person I need myself to be. Opposed to clinging onto others, and hoping they’ll be what I need.
It’s allowed me to see everything in the light. To take everything with a grain of salt. To fully view myself and my needs. And that’s the only way I think anyone can really try to create healthy relationships. They must first have a healthy relationship with themself. For, how is anyone suppose to bring anything good into a relationship when they feel incomplete within themselves?
It all starts with you. Like Michael Jackson said, it starts with the man in the mirror. “Be the change you want to see in the world.” And be the change you wish to see in your relationships. You have the power. You have the control. You are in charge of your own life. You are free.
So… You decide.