I think the hardest part for me about going through this polyamorous journey has been letting go of my preconceived ideas of what I was getting myself into. Like many other people (especially those in couples), I came into polyamory looking for something somewhat specific. No, I wasn’t unicorn hunting. But I did seem to think that polyamory would simply allow me to pursue the one thing I wanted – a woman to spend the rest of my life with. Now there were definitely some things I wanted this woman to be like, but I wasn’t too picky about who she’d be. The more important part was that I had already planned out exactly how she was going to fit into my life. I pictured myself having a girlfriend who I had a deep connection with but who, for now, I only dated somewhat casually. We’d have lots of amazing talks over lunch and we’d go out and do tons of fun things together – go to festivals, and concerts, and spend romantic evenings in the park curled up on the bench looking out at the water like that adorable scene at the end of the movie Imagine Me & You. Eventually, once my children had gotten a little older, I saw us moving into our own place together (my husband, of course, living right next door with the children so I could see any of them any time I wanted). It was going to be perfect. I would get to be with a woman, get my own space, and still keep everything else pretty much the same.
Boy, was I naive. You can’t expect a specific situation to present itself in front of you. And even if it did, you can’t expect that situation not to completely change the situation you’re currently in. I didn’t take into account that first I would have to not only meet this woman, but fall for her, and she’d have to fall for me, and then she’d have to want exactly what I wanted in order for any of my fantasy to actually come true. I also didn’t take into account the fact that I’m pansexual. Just because I’ve decided I want to be with a woman, doesn’t mean a woman is the first person I’m going to connect with. A movie is a movie. And life is real life. And just like any story, a movie can be setup however you want it to be setup. If you’re creating a story you can create any scenario you choose and have it play out exactly how you want it to. It all goes according to a predetermined plan. But life isn’t that simple. Life is messy. Life is always changing. Life is never going to be exactly what you’re expecting.
So it came as quite a surprise to me (although, later on I found out apparently not surprising at all to my husband) when I fell for – or should I say, accepted the fact I had already fallen for – another man. He was someone who was in and out of my life enough to make me think that, if I could just push pause during a moment he wasn’t in my life, I could ignore him (and ultimately my feelings for him) and go on with my plan of what I wanted my life to be. But life chose differently for me. Life didn’t let him stay away. Life didn’t let my emotions get held back. Life didn’t care that this love put a huge black mark across what I had decided to do with my love life.
Now here I am. I am in-love with two men. Two ridiculous, crazy, amazing, wonderful, loving men. And I’m happy. My life isn’t perfect. My situation isn’t ideal. And things are going to continue to change, shifting ever slightly until things are in full blown equilibrium. But I am happier than anything to be able to have these two amazing people in my life, and to go on this journey of love with them. I am always going to be open to new connections. And a part of me is still attached to the fairy-tale idea of being with beautiful woman someday. Maybe that’ll happen, maybe not. Maybe it’ll turn out somewhat like what I had envisioned, and maybe it’ll be nothing like it. Maybe I’ll find one amazing woman, or maybe I’ll find 3. Maybe I’ll end up dating more men. Or maybe this is it – just me and my two guys. I don’t know. I don’t know life’s plan. I don’t know how life will unfold. But I am in it for the long-haul. I am willing to accept whatever life puts in front of me. I am willing to keep myself open to all possibilities.
I think far too many people (whether in the poly community or not) spend way too much time trying to get what they think they want, that they don’t allow for any actual possibilities to happen. They ignore those they don’t (at first glance) see as worthy. They don’t give time or energy to things they don’t think will last. Because they focus all their heart and soul on an idea, opposed to reality. And ultimately, they end up getting nothing in the end, because they’ve refused to see what life has put right in front of them. Or they’ve refused to accept it. There’s nothing wrong with having standards, or with wanting the most for yourself. There is also nothing wrong with not compromising your values. However…you need to be able to compromise when it comes to details. Like I said, life is life. And it is ever changing. If you can’t accept that then you’ll never have anything to appreciate or enjoy. And I’m choosing to enjoy it all. No matter what life throws at me.