Leaving Societal Norms Behind

Journal Entry #1

Journal Entry #1

Dear Diary,


What kind of methods are really best for healing? When something happens with somebody and you try to avoid them and not talk to them and not think about them, but everything makes you think about them, and you don’t know how to keep yourself from opening yourself back up to them… is it really the best idea to discuss that person at length in counseling? When it only makes you think about that person more. When it makes your emotions for that person come back to the surface. When it just makes you feel like maybe you should go talk to that person and work things through with them. Is it really the better choice to work through everything and allow that person back into your life? Or should you keep your doors closed? Keep yourself numb to your feelings for them? Not allow them to keep you in an unhealthy loop? Are you overreacting? Are you under-reacting? Should you follow your heart? Should you follow your head? Should you listen to your friends, because maybe your heart and head aren’t making the best decisions? …Is allowing others to make important life decisions for you really a good idea? Even if they are right about some things. It’s your life. Your love. Your mistakes you should be allowed to make. Live and learn. Live and love. Isn’t that what life is all about?


But what if love is painful? What if love is disappointing? …and what if… just maybe, the reason you’ve had so much pain and disappointment is because you haven’t been allowing yourself to follow your heart at all. You’ve been using your brain too much and shutting off your emotions and trying to rationalize everything and not allowing things to just flow? Then again, what if the person you love really is just using you? What if they really don’t care for you as much as you feel they do. What if your friends are right and your connection was never real? Maybe the person you love doesn’t care about you at all. Maybe they only want you to be there for them when they have no one else because you’ve proven to be the stable emotional support they need when they’re down. …but what if… You really are twin flames like you’ve always thought you were. What if the reason you can’t stop thinking about them (even over 4 year gaps in communication) is because there really is a deep and meaningful connection between the two of you? What if… when you think in your head ‘I am in love with them’ it’s actually the most real thing you’ve ever felt in your life. What then? But, of course, maybe it’s not.

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I am a pansexual, demisexual, greysexual, homoromantic, non-binary, transmasculine, genderfluid, solo-polyamorous relationship anarchist; as well as a plant-based Wiccan mama. I'm also neurodivergent, and overall identify as Queer. I love writing, photography, dancing, travel, hiking, cooking, gaming, planning, and motherhood.

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