Now, let me stop you right there. I am not talking about sex. I am not talking about how I re-awoke to the wonders of how much I enjoy sex or anything of that kind. I am asexual. Definitely 100% demisexual – as in, I cannot engage in sexual activity without feeling connected to someone (although my drunk make-out sessions beg to differ…idk, maybe when I’m drunk I just make those deep connections faster, ha). But I mainly just don’t give a rats ass about sex. I love kissing. I love massages and sensual touches and cuddling. But I’m just not all that thrilled about sex. Pretty much, my hormonal levels for sex have dropped and I don’t feel the need for it anymore, and I definitely don’t feel the want. There are so many other things I’d rather be doing with my time. No, this article is not about sex. It’s about sexuality. It’s about being not woken up for the first time into who I truly am, but being re-awaken into it. Possibly for the 100th time (maybe this time it’ll stick). Today I realized something. I am gayer when I embrace my gayness.
What I mean is… I am much happier when I allow myself to be my full and beautiful homosexual self. For too long I’ve settled for dating men. And It’s not that I don’t like men, I do. But I like them more as friends. Dating men has always felt awkward to me. Problem is, as a kid I assumed that was the only way to be. I experimented with girls much more often as a kid, but I never thought of it like that. And then once I started dating girls I was always so embarrassed and shy that I thought maybe it just wasn’t for me. Silly me – that’s exactly what it didn’t mean. I feel shy and embarrassed around women because they intimidate me, because I see them as potential partners, and I’m not always 100% sure how to relate to them on a friend level. That’s what the issue is! Guys I don’t have that problem with. I can hangout with them and everything is chill and I don’t feel weird about it. And then in the relationship sense…dating guys is just easier. Men are easier. They look at me and they’re down. That’s all it takes to get a guy interested. Hitting on women is not my strong suit. Hitting on anyone is not my strong suit. But with men you don’t have to do much of anything, or really anything at all, and they’re all over you.
One of the reasons I have only been dating men (aside from during high school when I was dating women somewhat frequently), is that I don’t have to think too much about it. I’m not too worried about whether they’ll like me or not, because they just instantly do. Probably because I’m a lot more like a guy than most girls are. I can hang out. I can talk about chicks. I can be a friend. They feel comfortable around me. I’m also not ever very worried about being left by a guy. Because…well…he’s just some guy. It’s the being left by a woman part that scares me. It’s the being denied before even having a chance with a woman part that scares me. Anything having to do with women scares me. That’s why I don’t tend to have very many women friends. They are gorgeous and amazing, and they terrifying the crap out of me.
I feel very, very, very out of practice with dating women. So much so that I had convinced myself I didn’t even really care about dating them. I thought, why throw away what I’ve got going with men, when it’s so easy, to possibly be thrown out by a woman? Why risk it? Why take that chance? Well, here’s why, you bonehead – because you’re practically a lesbian. And why would you want to spend the rest of your life denying yourself the truest form of romantic relationship that you could possibly attain? Why not allow yourself to experience and enjoy your full identity, your full capacity for love? Why not just be gay already? Because I’m scared shitless. I am horrified. I feel like I’m not worth a woman’s time. A man’s time? Bah, who cares. But a woman’s time? That’s something to treasure. That’s something precious. I would never want to waste a woman’s time on me, because I feel worthless.
So that’s where things need to start. Self-worth. That’s where the work needs to be done. What would make me feel strong and confident and independent and sexy and awesome? What would make me feel like I’d rock a woman in the lesbian world? I don’t want to set my standards too high for myself. I don’t want to assume I have to be someone I’m not, or someone I can’t be. That won’t help. But I do have to feel good about myself. I do have to feel like I fit well in my own skin. And the first step towards that is by allowing myself to truly be me. Dress more like myself. Act more like myself. Go out and do things that I’m into. Try new things I’ve always wanted to try. Saturate and drown myself in the LGBTQIA+ community. I need to feel comfortable being myself. So I need to take a risk, and be who I am.
If you want a woman to love you (or anyone for that matter), you’ve got to love yourself. If you want to feel special, you need to see your uniqueness in a new light. If you want to be with someone who truly and undeniably loves you for you, then you need to be who you really are. No matter what. You don’t want to fall for acting out of need for approval, opposed to acting out of your true and beautiful nature. Don’t let others stunt your self-growth, or warp your self-love. Allow yourself to shine and blossom. And damn it girl, if you are gay…let yourself be fucking gay! What’s the worst that could happen?
😉 Wish me luck.