Leaving Societal Norms Behind

The Self-Proclaimed Succubus

The Self-Proclaimed Succubus

I’ve been called a succubus many times in my life by men who think their pain is caused by me. Men who blame me for their own shortcomings. Manipulative men who love to guilt trip and play mind games, and then the second they don’t get what they want they feel cheated and badly wronged. Men who like to see women who don’t comply, or women who enjoy sex, or women who are independent, or women who disagree with them, etc. as something devilish and demon-like in order to wipe their hands of any responsibility they may have in learning better communication skills, or learning how to deal with differences (or themselves), or learning how to accept the fact that not everyone wants what they want and this life is not all about them. This can be a very hurtful term used by extremely disrespectful men. And I’m here to say…I am reclaiming it!

In the grand tradition of the LGBTQIA+ community – who reclaim words that are hurtful and turn them around to mean something positive – I am here to change something negative into something I feel good about. But first, let me explain. I have been hurt by this word more times than I can count. I am not immune to its cruel context. However, I have learned to read into the meaning that the word actually contains when used by these upset men. I have learned to look beyond their judgments to the reasons they are making them. I have found that the truth behind the word is not so cruel after all, even if the men using that word intend it to be as such. In actuality, the meaning this word possesses is one of strength and empowerment.

Those Men

A man is never just upset because you don’t want to be with him. He is upset that you have the ability to realize what you want, and the ability to demand respect, and the ability to say no. He is upset that you are able to think for yourself and make up your own mind. A man is never just upset because you had sex with him. Of course not. He enjoyed it. He wanted it. The problem is, he wants it again and you aren’t willing to give in that easily. A man is never just upset because you broke his heart. He is upset that you made him feel something, that you had the power to make him love, the power to open him up to his own emotions, and that without you he is unable to control them or handle them. He is upset that you provoke such thought and wonder and beauty within him, because he doesn’t want it to go away – he wants to keep you bottled up forever so no one else can have you, and so he can have you whenever he wishes to. He is upset that you are not a genie in a lamp, you are a goddess soaring free.

No, I know not ALL men are this way. But, after all, we are talking about the scum buckets that call you bad things, cruel names. The ones who tell you you’re a slut for wanting to be with someone other than them. The ones who call you a whore after they told you they loved you no matter what. The ones who reach out and slap you in the face with their disapproving judgments, their flaming blade-like tongues, their ice cold stares, their narrow-minded misconceptions of your true reality. I’m talking about the men who label us women as succubi, when all we really are is human – kind, compassionate, loving, empathetic. The men who don’t appreciate us for who we are and hope to change us by making us feel bad about our positive qualities. Those men.

To those men I say, you can go pout in your little corner of shame, because I refuse to give up my crown. I earned it. I deserve it. I will not back down. I will not be judged. I will stand strong. I will fight back. I will be who I was meant to be, unapologetically. I will help raise other women up. I will continue to do the things I love. I will continue to say the things I feel. I will continue to be the truest version of myself. I will never coward before you like a lamb. For I am a lion.

I Am

Yes, I am reclaiming the label. I am taking back the term. I am redefining the word – succubus. I will no longer see it as something negative. It no longer represents a woman taking a man’s soul through sex. It is no longer a judgment against the female form, no longer a way to dehumanize the female species. From this day forward, a succubus shall be known as something powerful, something beautiful, something great. When I hear this term I will think about the abundance of love and emotion I hold within me. I will think about the many people I have helped to open up to their true selves (however painful an experience). I will think about the ways in which I comfort others, through emotional, as well as sexual, forms of compassion, forms of healing. I will think about every tear shed from a man’s eye as a reconfirmation of his beating heart, and the breaking down of the patriarchy and all its toxic masculinity. When I hear this term I will think about the depths to which I step within my own growth process, as well as the growth processes I help along on my journey through this wondrous life. No – a succubus will no longer be known as a demon from the pits of hell. A succubus, from this day forward, is a misunderstood Goddess of the heart and soul. A warrior of emotions. A companion, a guide, a leader, an angel.

Hello world. My name is Jauni and I am a succubus. I help break through the unhealthy barriers people put up to close off to those around them. I provide an emotional experience and sounding board for all those who come in contact with me. I push the boundaries of the mind. I tackle internal demons. I give love freely, openly, unconditionally. I trek through the jungle, the desert, swim through the ocean, and retrieve small specks of humanity, humility, compassion. I try to learn, grow, adapt, understand, and accept everyone from all walks of life. I provide a safe place for people to retreat to, while simultaneously creating an eye-opening adventure within their hearts. I reach out to make connections everywhere, and I bond with souls. I care deeply for all those I have touched with my powers. I look forward to using my strengths to rip through the chains surrounding others, as well. I am independent and strong. I am free to choose, free to decide, free to be. I am a woman. I am a warrior. I am a Goddess. I am not ashamed, and I will scream it to the world – I AM A SUCCUBUS!

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I am a pansexual, demisexual, greysexual, homoromantic, non-binary, transmasculine, genderfluid, solo-polyamorous relationship anarchist; as well as a plant-based Wiccan mama. I'm also neurodivergent, and overall identify as Queer. I love writing, photography, dancing, travel, hiking, cooking, gaming, planning, and motherhood.

Reader Comments

  1. I’m so happy to read this. This is the kind of manual that needs to be given and not the random misinformation that’s at the other blogs. Appreciate your sharing this best doc.

  2. I think a wonderful thing about a succubus is that sexual shame can’t apply to them and anyone who suggests it is stupidly incorrect. They are free from the bullshit perception that society has about sex.

    1. You nailed it!
      This was exactly our point of view.

      Sex is too controlled in society and a succubus doesn’t fear what others may think of them for engaging sexually with the world.

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