Leaving Societal Norms Behind

Being Kinky and Poly

Being Kinky and Poly

My Beginning into BDSM

My journey into BDSM began 20+ years ago.  I first learned about the lifestyle from the guy I was dating at the time. There was a lot of trial and error on my part back then, but I learned and grew from the experience. There are a lot of different aspects to BDSM and I spent time learning about each of them. This was before the internet was big so in order to learn you had to talk to others and watch them do things that they had mastered. It was a great way to learn.

I met a lot of great people along the way. I learned more about myself, my likes and dislikes. The more I learned the more I grew as a person and learned that I was a natural submissive. My submission is freeing. It allows me to give up total control to someone I trust completely. Over the years I have served a lot of great Doms who helped me along my path. Of course there were a few that were not so great but they too helped me learn.

After several years in the BDSM lifestyle I walked away from it for awhile because I had kids and they became my focus for a time. Then they got older and I really started missing that part of myself so I got back involved in the lifestyle. This time we had the internet and it made it so much easier to find people in the lifestyle. I spent some time learning to see what had changed since I walked away.

I started talking to and meeting new Doms looking for someone that would fit what I was looking for. Mostly I found fakes that didn’t know anything about the lifestyle. There were a few decent ones but they didn’t fit exactly what I was looking for. It got to the point that I just decided to stop looking. Then it happened I found him and he is polyamorous like me. It’s the best of both worlds.

My Beginning into Polyamory

My journey into polyamory began from reading about it in a series of books. Once I read about polyamory, I was intrigued by it. I started doing research and learning more about what it was and what it was about. As I learned more about it, I realized I had been doing it for a while and just didn’t know it. I then spent the next several years researching, reading books, and joining groups and learning what I could. I signed up for several dating sites. My profiles all stated exactly what I was looking for and that I was polyamorous.

There were a lot of messages asking about sex because that’s what they assumed it was about. I would try to explain it to them but they lost interest when they realized I wouldn’t just hookup with them. I also had couples trying to message me because on my profile under sexual orientation I had put bisexual. They wanted me to join them and I would say no due to past experiences with couples. The experiences I had with couples was way before I had heard of unicorn hunting. They were not very great experiences either and ones I didn’t want a repeat of. I even had some couples try to get me by having the wife/girlfriend having a profile that claimed they were looking for someone just for themselves only to later down the road involve their husband/boyfriend in our relationship.

I did meet several great people who were completely fine with me being polyamorous. Some I even stayed close friends with after our relationship ended. It always felt like something was missing when I was monogamous(trying to be) and they never lasted long. I had been cheated on several times during that time and I was never mad, just upset they couldn’t be honest about it.

Mixing BDSM and Poly

For me being polyamorous and being in the BDSM lifestyle is like having your cake and eating it too. I get the structure I need from my Dom and the freedom to be who I am at the same time. As a Dom he of course has rules for me but most of them have become personal boundaries for me. One of his rules is I can only serve him as my Dom. I can date other Doms, I just can’t serve them as their submissive. I had no issue with that rule because for me personally I couldn’t serve two Doms. Some of his rules were my own personal boundaries when I met him.  I know that from past experience that some Doms can be more controlling. Our time together is more special because we have this aspect of our relationship that’s just for us.

My time with my other partners is spent doing things that we enjoy doing together. I have a lot of different hobbies that I enjoy and some of my partners enjoy the same hobbies and some don’t. I love being able to blend both polyamory and the BDSM lifestyle in my life because they both are part of who I am right now.

Life is too short to not enjoy who you are, so go out there and enjoy. I am.

Raven Hilliard

Hi I'm Raven. I'm a mom to 5 wonderful kids. I have several hobbies I enjoy doing when I have free time. I've been actively polyamorous for over 4 years now but came to realize I've been polyamorous longer just didn't know it. I've been in and out of the BDSM lifestyle for 20+ years and I'm still learning new things about it.


Reader Comments

  1. I loved this. I too am in both lifestyles and it is freeing and fulfilling. I love to hear about others experiences, thanks for sharing.

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