Leaving Societal Norms Behind

How a threesome made me a better human being

How a threesome made me a better human being

I was dating a singer/songwriter one fall. This was the first relationship that I entered being polyamorous, or at least INTENDING to be. It turned out serial monogamy was more her thing, but that’s irrelevant to the point of this story. What IS relevant is that she had a crush on her best friend/roommate who was in a band with us, for a decade. I would stay the night on weekends, and in cramped quarters. 3 of us on a Full-size bed. Usually, there was never any sexual interests exhibited between us. She was into being single and crocheting while playing her mobile games. One night, though, things were different.

That night, I was set to sleep between the two of them. My Girlfriend to my right (from here on out called Anne) and Marie to my left. I drink a lot of water, so had to go to the bathroom a fair number of times during the night. This particular night, after I got up, the two of them decided to switch on me to play a trick. When I came back to bed, I curled up next to who I thought was Anne and placed my hand on her butt. They did the whole “Surprise!” thing after I had settled. After the big reveal (and a bunch of laughs) I leaned behind me and kissed Anne, then snuggled back up to Marie “Fine, I’ll just snuggle her.”

You should kiss her too.” said Anne. “ I’m sure she wants some loving…”

This was my first and up to the writing of this article, my only threesome. It was an amazing experience, but I’m using it to talk about some important topics that carry over to all sexual encounters. Each point talked about and exemplified within the context of my personal experience.

Consent

I leaned in and kissed Marie’s neck. Her breathing was heavy, but her body language definitely indicated consent. She rolled over and we kissed on the lips. Her shirt came off (I can’t remember if I helped her remove it) and my mouth moved tenderly all around and down her front. My fingertips following behind my lips. As with the shirt, the pants came off, either by her own action or with my help. All the while, her fingers were laced through my hair, pressing me and guiding my way to what feels good to her…

Consent is king. It really doesn’t matter what it is you are doing to or with someone, consent must be there. It’s the pipeline of nutrients keeping the trust alive. It’s important that if you ever doubt the presence of consent, that you stop what you are doing and get non-coerced acknowledgment. Don’t wait for them to tell you to stop before you do. I reiterate this, because society as a whole seems to be murky on it (both in the giving and the receiving end.)

According to a poll conducted by The Washington Post in 2015, 18% of college students think not saying “no” is the same thing as saying “yes.” 22% think engaging in foreplay is automatic consent to go further. There is evidence that certain perpetrators of rape didn’t see what they were doing as rape. The conversation about consent is one that should be at the front of every relationship, no matter the number of people. Consent is in no small part attached to boundaries, so it should be no surprise that what each person defines as acceptable is going to be different.

In the case of my experience, Marie and I had been close as friends and already established nonverbal cues. In situations where I am not as familiar with a person (to where their body language is new to me), I always ask before doing anything. This includes holding hands and kissing.

Communication

While going down on Marie, Anne watched. The whole time while down there, I paid attention to her body language. I wasn’t getting the response I was looking for, though. I could bring Anne to orgasm in a matter of minutes going down on her, but after a fair amount of time with Marie, I wasn’t getting much of anything. Do you like when I do this?” I asked her earnestly. “How about this?” “What about this?” She’d respond with yes each time, but it became clear it was half-hearted.

My ego is fine. I am here to please you.” I told her. “If this doesn’t do it for you, let me know.” She acknowledged that oral wasn’t her favorite thing, and that orgasms were tough to come by with that.

She then pulled me up to her face and said “I want your dick…”

I believe many terrible sexual experiences could be saved simply with communication. Anatomy is different for everyone, so it would be foolish to assume that one set of “moves” is going to please everyone without communicating. Yet so many of us enter sex with that mindset, then blame the other person or ourselves when things don’t turn out. The Hollywood version of sex is wordless and perfectly executed, when the reality is it’s like wandering in a new city without a map. Don’t be afraid to ask the locals questions, and have fun. It’s not communion or a library. Talk, laugh, giggle. Something that I have yet to convey is how much fun we had. How much laughing and joking the three of us did. Naked and playful, like nymphs, we were all over the place.

Safe Sex (and Sexual Freedom)

The star of the evening was Marie. I went back and forth between penetrating Anne and Marie, kissing them both, laughing at dumb jokes. Exchanging fluids in the deepest of intimacy…

“Societies in which women have lots of autonomy and authority tend to be decidedly male-friendly, relaxed, tolerant, and plenty sexy. Got that, fellas? If you’re unhappy at the amount of sexual opportunity in your life, don’t blame the women. Instead, make sure they have equal access to power, wealth and status. Then watch what happens.”― Cacilda Jethá, Sex at Dawn: The Prehistoric Origins of Modern Sexuality

So this is two points that are too linked not to include together. Sex is natural and a common activity for adults warped over the centuries into revered and feared, especially on a woman’s sexuality. As a cisgendered heterosexual man, it’s important to put in the work to respect a woman’s autonomy. We (men) have been groomed to put our sexual needs in front of women, but especially in dealing with polyamory, men need to grow up.

If you want to be in a polyamorous relationship, then you need to deal with the emotions of her finding new partners too. I speak as someone whose first polyamorous relationship imploded (at least partially) for this very reason. You need to not just be OK with it, but supportive of her.

As far as safe sex goes, sexual freedom means sexual responsibility. While STIs are in the public eye, you should stay protected, stay informed, and if you have one be honest to your partners. In my example we used no protection, but Anne and I had thus far been exclusive with our sex, and Marie hadn’t been active in a long time prior.

Body Positivity

Throughout the night, between sexual encounters, we would cuddle, and laugh, and pose like super models walking the catwalk. We drank wine and put just enough clothes on to step out to smoke quick cigarettes until dawn. Dehydrated and exhausted, we hooted and howled at each other until our throats were hoarse. Marie, a woman who wore her clothes 2 times too big, walked naked through her apartment without a care in the world, flaunting her runner’s body…

I am of the personal opinion that everyone looks better naked. Flesh is our natural state and to me, that’s beautiful. I like the lights on so I can have all my senses fulfilled by the experience. I obviously can’t force anyone to feel the same way as I do, but I can encourage others to be courteous and sensitive to others. Our bodies are what we got, and there’s little we can do to change them. Genetics are not something to shame. Some people are big, some are small. Some like their clothes much tighter than others, and it’s ultimately none of our business. If they chose to share it, I say be grateful.

I don’t know if every threesome can compare to this one, but I hope that I did a decent job using it to relate some topics that are important to address. Every journey is different and no one can tell you how it exactly will go for you. But maybe… these can show you some landmarks along the way.

Fulltime Human

I'm an over 40 cisgendered heterosexual guy that runs as solo poly while I go back to school to become a licensed therapist. I also work as a Crisis Counselor for a text line. If you are in crisis, text "Home" to 741741 and someone will help you out.


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