One of the things I love most about non-monogamy is that it gives you the freedom to create your own relationships. Where monogamy has a set framework, non-monogamy allows for your own interpretation of what a relationship could be. It allows for creativity, collaboration, and communication in ways that aren’t readily available (or aren’t typically considered) in monogamous culture. Though not everyone who practices monogamy follows the same structure, there is a well-known expectation within the monogamous community of how a relationship should be formed and how it should progress. Non-monogamy allows for you to strip those expectations, reveal your true wants and needs, and shine a light on your desires – bare, uncovered, naked. You get down to the root of who you are, and who others are. You discover and evaluate all that is at your core. Then you are able to form relationships based off of this true inner-you. The true you.
What does the freedom to create my own relationships look like for me? For me it looks like – being able to stay friends with my daughter’s father, raise children with him, and occasionally have sex with him, without being romantically involved and without living together. I, personally, prescribe to the concept of relationship anarchy, which is just a looser more fluid way of looking at relationships. It allows you to be up front about what you want from each relationship you take part in, and allows the others involved to do the same. You agree upon how to configure your relationship based off of the things you BOTH want. If there is something one of you wants but the other does not, then it is not allowed to be part of the relationship. This way the relationship feels comfortable for both (or all) people involved, and is thus mutually beneficial. It also allows for change. As people change, their wants and needs change. Relationship anarchy sees this as a natural part of life and allows you to change the way in which you configure your relationship over time, re-configuring it whenever you need to – adding in whatever you decide you now want, or taking out whatever isn’t working. Relationship anarchy sees relationships as fluid constructions of our own imaginings that can be remolded, reformed, reshaped, or torn down, whenever we see fit. Relationship anarchy sees ‘breaking up’ a romantic relationship as a transition into a new relationship form. It gives freedom to you now, and to you later.
Non-monogamy itself should be able to be seen just as fluidly. You shouldn’t have to be under a certain label in order to allow things to grow and change naturally, or to use open communication to help you form the kind of connections you want. And you don’t have to. There is no need for you to prescribe to relationship anarchy, though you absolutely can if you feel it suits you. My point being that all non-monogamous forms are out of the ordinary, or at least the frequent that has become the ‘normal’ within society’s eyes. Being different doesn’t have to be scary. By all means, if you want to have the exact same framework as a ‘typical’ monogamous pairing, but with just one or more additions to the structure, be my guest. Do whatever makes you happy. I’m just saying that the beauty of trying something that is naturally against the grain is that you have the ability to step WAY further outside the box, not just tippy-toe a couple steps over the line, and really dig deep into something new. Build your own structure. Construct your own framework. Let you be you in a whole new way. There are a billion ways you can form connections and relationships, you only have to have the creativity to think them up. So do it! Dream big! Be the creator of your own reality! You can do anything. Non-monogamy gives you the freedom to build your own connections, to create your own relationships. So…what does creating your own relationships look like for you?