Polyam relationships tend to seem tricky. Allow me to repeat myself. They tend to seem tricky. I am a classic over-thinker, I can toss around an idea in my head until I have broken it down and thought of every hypothetical scenario imaginable. It is exhausting. Having more than one relationship can feel like all those hypothetical scenarios come to life because there are so many variables added in. But it is no different than being monogamous and having a group of friends or a family.
Just like any other relationship orientation. Dating is the same. Respect is the same. How you go about your day to day life is the same. They are the same for a few reasons, one being, that we go about things in a manner we deem necessary. After dipping your foot into the polyam pool, it might feel like a whole new territory but it is not.
As my polycule expanded. I realized a few things.
We all met our partners in regular places. Concerts, work, school, online dating. There is no secret polyam underground. If there is, someone from the polyam order, hear my plea. I want in. There is no card you get in the mail once you start dating as polyam.
Some cities have polyam meet up groups and hangouts. Simply because these places exist, it does not mean we need to stick to that scene when we go about dating and meeting potential partners or friends.
Monogamous relationships between two people function exactly the same way. We do not settle for someone simply because they are monogamous. There has to be more substance there. Right?
Dating is probably the hardest part. I know I began feeling as if I would never find a person to connect with in the way I wanted. Some of us get lucky and don’t need to look far or hard for these relationships. Most of us, have no luck and it is difficult to come across an actual decent person to date. Let alone explain there may be other people involved. Mono or Poly, dating can suck.
This being said, do not get discouraged when you can’t find that person that will fit your growing polycule. That piece of the puzzle is finding a way to you. Don’t worry.
On a more serious note, I had some concerns. How to handle things such as managing to provide a comfortable space for each of my partners. Whether to keep the relationships completely separate entities. I think everyone goes through this type of question regardless of how many partners you have or the type of relationship you have.
In retrospect, I shouldn’t have thought about it too hard. Trying to figure out how to act in front of two partners was no different than trying to figure out how to kiss your boyfriend in front of your family at Thanksgiving. Some of us have no problem…others would die before they did that.
Just a Relationship
With time, experience, and finding people you are comfortable, things change. I guess what I am trying to say is that a relationship, regardless, of how it functions, is just a relationship. If you make this grand expectation that Polyamorous relationships will make things easier or are more complicated than monogamous relationships, you will be disappointed. Difficult situations make relationships difficult, not how many people are involved.
It is the people you choose to be with that make these relationships worth the effort. I treat my partners and their partners with the same amount of respect and do my best to stay aware of their individual boundaries. Each person and relationship is different but how we go about things, is up to us as individuals. You don’t treat anyone differently because of their relationship orientation. You treat people based on your relationship.
Acceptance and understanding can feel nonexistent but do your best to remember there is a lovely online community that is at the tips of your fingers.