Polyamory feels more like a very slow roller coaster with a lot of twists and turns.
I, like most humans on this planet, am prone to moments of insecurity. As I think about it I notice it stems from more complicated things and there is rarely a black or white resolve. Like, am I doing enough in my relationships? Is everyone happy?
In this department I will say at some point, I need to put all worries aside and just focus on what I am doing at the moment. There are so many components to my life that I find it difficult to be steadily in a happy place.
This is not me saying I am unhappy in my relationships. This is me saying that there are a lot of ups and downs. An amazing day with one partner can sometimes mean another partner is being left out. There are a few things to being polyam that I have really changed my perspective when dealing with difficult topics.
Our daily routines in the house dictate the schedule for the most part, so there are times where I miss each partner for different reasons.
My mood is definitely affected when I am missing a partner. I do my best to control my emotions and try to communicate what I need. Most times I just need to vent. Getting things off your chest can be a great help. But I don’t ever feel the need to ask for more time because it is usually because someone’s needs have changed.
People are like Tamagotchi pets. Tamagotchis are those little digital keychain babies that required to be fed and played with at all hours of the night. You would do everything you can, use the bathroom in the middle of the night and come back to a very dead, pixelated pet.
I do my best to get much-needed self-care time. As a stay at home mom, it can be hard enough. I often tell my partners I need breaks or alone time. When it comes to my needs that are specific like, on one time, I struggle more with it.
I find myself taking everyone’s needs into account. Is my meta getting enough time, is my partner needing solo time…? I do this because everyone has their needs and sometimes needs change.
MAL DE OJO
Growing up I grew up with this saying “mal de ojo”, it is pretty much the name for bad vibes and people who wish ill on others… Not everyone believes in superstitions but there is something to say about bad vibes.
I know I can twist something around in my head and it will affect every aspect of my life if it means I’m having to fake a smile.
I personally believe this phrase works a few different ways. For one, if others think ill of you it’s not so much you should care but let’s acknowledge that it hurts. That general negativity isn’t good juju and it can affect you. The second way this phrase works is from the self. Which is the one I really want to focus on because I think this one affects me the most. I can get so wrapped up in negative feelings that I make everything worse and eventually, nothing feels right. Reminding myself that I may be hurting my own feelings, is a real eye-opener.
Boundary crossing is a field of landmines. In my life, they get crossed. I get a little upset and I move on. When I say I move on, things are communicated and assessed. No one in my polycule is perfect and toes get stepped on. People get ignored. Dates get canceled. It is not perfect. The one thing that has been pretty ideal, is how we deal with these situations.
I have been taking a new approach when these types of things happen. To be completely honest, my go-to emotion is usually anger. Just how I am. It passes pretty quick but I am not going to lie. Both my partners worry about how I will react to things and it’s okay. Polyamory itself has really fine-tuned my ability to call myself out on stuff like my attitude and take some accountability.
Over time I have come to understand that others do not need to fix any issues I may think we are having. I tell my partners what I feel is wrong. They will always hear me. But I don’t expect them to drop everything and adhere to my needs. I tell them what is wrong, they listen to me, they respond ( or don’t) and we go about our day. Most issues can’t be assessed immediately. Once I have spoken to my partner(s), I do my absolute best to leave it alone for a while.
To wrap everything up , polyamory is far more beautiful when you put in the real work. The gritty work. I recommend reading and speaking to others because it helps get a grasp on certain things. These are tools that can be used in every aspect of your life not just your personal romantic relationships. (See recommendations below.)