Leaving Societal Norms Behind

Coming Out

Coming Out

I have so much to share and have no idea where to start, I guess I will start with my journey. I was 12 when I realized I was bisexual, and I came out right away. I was not concerned with discrimination and my Mom has always supported me in those types of choices. So, it wasn’t hard for me to voice that. I met my ex-husband when I was 16, we quickly moved in together and got engaged, before I was 18. I was always lonely and missing a female partner. I had told my then fiancé that I wasn’t happy just with a male. He did not take that lightly being as young as we were, I don’t think he could comprehend the complexity of what I needed, and neither could I.  After a wedding, two kids and a few years I couldn’t be who I was, and I left.  My next relationship I entered into very honest about the fact that I was open and wanted to date other people. Eventually this was turned into only women, which I was ok with, but I never felt free. However, during that relationship, I dated a woman and so did he.  Jealousy became way too much for him and he demanded I end my relationship, while he still expected to carry on with his after no reasoning as to why mine was ending. The “veto” was not something I was happy about nor was my female partner. That ruined BOTH relationships very quickly. Communication just wasn’t there, and it was toxic. 

At this point I decided! I am poly and I will never enjoy monogamy or be happy trying to be monogamous.

I got so much stronger when looking for a partner, I knew what I wanted and needed and felt they also needed to know before I would consider dating them. Four short, fun relationships later, I met a soulmate. Male, my age, also very sure monogamy wasn’t for him. Our relationship is calm and open and trusting. Not only am I comfortable talking to him about my wants and needs, I can be myself with him. That is an amazing new feeling, that I hope to never get used to.

This brings me to my first topic. Coming out, and how very different it is for every polyamorous and gay person alive.  I also don’t believe it’s talked about for any lifestyle near enough, but with poly it’s almost as if it’s not coming out, to anyone but the people who are shocked by it. So, here we go.

When I came out as poly to my family and friends, I was in my second relationship and had just had my third child. Like I said coming out is different for everyone, I have my own story, but I also have my current partners story, which was a little more heartbreaking than my own. When I came out it was more of, this is my new partner and you can all accept her or not. My 3rd child’s dad had pursued other relationships and had a woman move in with us, but I had not. All of which no one in my family reacted to. His family however took it upon themselves to treat me differently even though my partner had another female partner move in with us and had already come out. My family was confused, they knew I was bi but what did this “polyamorous” really mean. They never made me feel excluded because of it though. His family basically decided I wasn’t their family anymore and both of those relationships eventually fell apart.

My current partner is going through coming out right now. I actually outed him by announcing I was writing this blog. His family really has no idea what polyamory is and they don’t seem to care to learn. They have said they still love him the same and they’ll still be here for the birth of our child. All communication has stopped since then. There is a noticeable amount of disconnect and my male partner is quite sad about it. Turns out he hadn’t come out yet due to thinking this is how they would react. I’ve been here before; it doesn’t hurt my feelings. I’ve never met these people as they live quite far from us. However, it kills me to see him hurting the way he is. To not be accepted by your family for simply being yourself is heartbreaking and very closed minded. We are in 2020 at this point and people should be comfortable to be who they want. They also should be able to tell who they want, when they deem it appropriate. In our case, I have been openly poly for 5 or more years, I didn’t comprehend that his family didn’t know, nor that I had to come out again every time I met someone new.  I feel terrible for outing him especially as we are about to welcome our first child together and his parents are coming for a week, in just a few short months, it actually hadn’t occurred to me that it would offend them.

They say they’re only upset because he didn’t tell them himself. He has the right to come out when and if he chooses to do so.  I’m upset at myself for outing him, he seems to be more upset about not being accepted by his family. Which I understand completely. I don’t care what either of my two sons tell me or my soon to be two daughters, I am their mother and I love them. I would never want them to feel excluded or unwelcome.

My point is that everyone’s coming out story is different. I have heard so many stories, friends of 20 years, mothers, spouses and in laws all choosing to see this as a negative or dirty choice. We don’t choose who we are. I very much believe being polyamorous is a part of your personality and can’t be changed, as much as being gay isn’t a choice. Monogamy just doesn’t fit for me. I am Polyamorous and I am proud. 

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I am polyamorous and bisexual. I am in my early 30's. I have four children and two partners.

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