It will always be okay to say you aren’t polyamorous. It can be a year into a relationship, it can be two days into texting. Not everyone takes the same path to polyamory. Sometimes people come across it and it makes sense, it just works. For others, they have always been polyamorous. There are plenty of people in polyamorous relationships that are either monogamous themselves or are with someone monogamous (not everyone in Polyam relationships are poly.) There is hardly a formula for being in an ethically non-monogamous relationship but there is definitely a way to go about while staying true to yourself and being mindful.
Why The Change
Recently, I ended a relationship I didn’t want to end because the person didn’t think they could be polyamorous. Which sucks but it is a valid reason to end a relationship with a (pardon my hierarchical language) secondary relationship. They did this for a lot of reasons, some I know, others I don’t. Point is that they didn’t want to do the polyam thing on their end.
Relationships are hard and we can only take on what we can handle. Take on more and you will overwhelm yourself by trying to fulfill more relationships than you are capable of. It is totally fine to take on too much and then realize that you just can’t handle more than one actual relationship. What is not okay is to use someone as if they are an experiment when their emotions are involved. This is why communication in ethically non-monogamous relationships is absolutely key.
Over the course of a few weeks, I began to see a problem in communication. I am very vocal and blunt with my words. This person and my meta, were nonconfrontational, as in, they avoided all serious conversations like the plague. I did my best to open up communication and literally got ghosted in my own home. The fact that my ex-boyfriend changed their mind about being polyamorous didn’t hurt because when it came down to the nature of it, they just didn’t want a relationship with me.
How I Wish I Was Dumped Because I Am Not Disposable
If there was a magical breakup genie, I would wish that they (my ex-boyfriend) were truthful about what he felt and what he was thinking. His callousness has defined my last few weeks and made me feel as if I was nothing other than disposable. His actions said this as well. I am not disposable. The fact that I have a husband and other partners doesn’t take away from the fact that I will be upset about having been ignored and avoided.
Our breakup was as amicable as can be. It was mutual. After weeks of dodging conversations and all forms of communication, I was able to piece together what was going on and sit him down to talk about it. I wasn’t as heartbroken as much as I was disappointed in myself for ignoring the red flags.
I write this to show others how normal these relationships are in comparison to Mono relationships. Breakups happen but it is how it is handled that counts. Yes, I did the normal breakup routine, cry, ask a few questions, ate snacks, and listened to a few sad songs. After a couple of days, I bounced back because I couldn’t drown my family with my heartbreak. Eventually, we asked them to move out because cohabitation with an ex is something I was not comfortable with.
On the facebook group Polyamorous Living, there are two things you see a lot. One being, experienced polyam people saying they will not date anyone who says they are new to poly. I didn’t get it. I thought it was crass, but I sure do get it now. It’s not that “new to poly people” are flaky but I am beginning to understand that theory and practice are two different things. By experiencing things, you refine boundaries and may give a better understanding of what may be going on. More importantly, you learn how to treat others by becoming more sympathetic.
Another big lesson, do the work. Talk to others, research terms, open up communication. It is worth it.