Leaving Societal Norms Behind

Being Poly Isn’t All About Sex

Being Poly Isn’t All About Sex

I am desperately awaiting the day when society starts sharing the real existence of romance being different than sex. I’m asexual, so as far as sex being a part of my relationship I can take it or leave it. But I also love everyone romantically (pan-romantic). The moment I mention both of those terms I get shot with a look like someone’s anus just prolapsed.

Aside from the fact that, yes I do have sex, with both of my partners, (surprise!) I don’t feel like that’s something I really need to share with strangers by explaining my identity. So many people just assume when I say I’m poly that I’m getting banged left, right and centre, because I need it. I can go weeks without even realizing I haven’t had sex. It’s just not something that I care for, but am happy to partake for the interest of my partner.

My Sexuality Is Irrelevant

I could write a whole book about my sexuality, though I guess I already wrote and performed a solo show about just that last year, but the basic idea of my asexuality is that ‘instead of having sex I’d rather just eat cake’. Or another metaphor: I’m at a buffet dinner with friends who haven’t eaten in days and I’m just not hungry. I may try a couple mouthfuls of Robert’s famous salad, or Lucy’s family lasagne recipe, but I also could go without.

Alright, back on topic. Without knowing I’m asexual, because I don’t feel I need to explain that every time I talk about my partners to people, my immediate wall is having people just assume I’m a slut. Which, I don’t think is wrong for anyone, but our society has a negative connotation of it, thank you media and popular culture content focusing on abstaining from expressing your sexual needs. As if having to hold back from wanting more is the ideal and ultimate goal when you’re in a relationship because it ‘should just be enough’.

It’s About Love

I date for the purpose of love. I date multiple people for the connection. I have partners who make me happy in different ways that have nothing to do with the sex. The idea of even finding someone else to date, while the expectation of sex is on the table, as with any sort of dating scenario, is extremely stressful for me. I really love dating people (and honestly probably would ONLY date people) who are in many other active relationships, because that pressure is off. I know that if they go home to their honey, perhaps sexually charged from our date, that they can get that and not be upset towards me, or hold it against me for not putting out.

I think every poly experience (heck, all relationship experiences) is completely different and dependant on who is involved. Sure, there are poly people who date for the purpose of sex. I also know many people who aren’t poly who date for the purpose of sex. For me, looking for a partner, has to do with them as a person. What they give me in my day to day life, how we communicate in person and online, telling them about my day and having someone hear me take an interest in that.

Being poly, I am only assuming, is because you love people. At least that’s what it is for me. Being able to see the deepest part of someone that they only show in their darkest corners makes me thrive. And being able to share that with someone is also so special. I don’t know if it’s because I’ve been conditioned by society to feel the power of a partner versus a friend, but I also don’t share the bad with someone until I feel comfortable being held in their arms if I fall. I have that on a few levels with friends, but the way I am able to share with my partners is very different when you’re lying in their bed, butterfly kissing, staring in their eyes one inch away. I live for that.

Sure, sex is part of the relationships that I have with my partners, but it’s not the reason I’m poly. And I’m really sick of mono people assuming such.

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