I want to say this post is about being polysaturated and it turns out it is exactly that.
What I am sure, is that I am taking a break from serious relationships. In the last year, I have been actively dating and putting myself out there.
It wasn’t that I did not find success, because I learned so much about myself and what I can handle. I learned from other polyam people I came across and currently am putting what I learned into practice. Which is pretty darn successful.
I have been on both ends of the polysaturated stick. It isn’t pretty on either end. I have been the one pulled away from and I have been the one who pulled away because of the stress.
It is so easy to find people and even get a connection going, but it gets hard down the line.
For me, it is when the NRE runs out and I am left standing around feeling worn out and bewildered. Completely out of it and wondering what type of drug I just came across.
Love. LOVE is the drug.
I use to believe ” love lasts forever.” It doesn’t. That is a gross misevaluation. Love lasts as long as it lasts. Sometimes that is not very long or just not the type of long-lasting love we imagine.
Break Up = Polysaturated Clean Up
The last few weeks have been rough, I ended a relationship for many reasons. I mean, a lot of reasons. Small reasons but when they add up, it is just a NO for me.
The biggest reason I ended it was because I WAS OVERWHELMED. Even having to say goodnight had me dreading the evening before it was noon. I think this is how I knew something was wrong in the relationship.
When I did my research about what I was feeling I came across the term polysaturated. Of the explanations I found, the one that stuck with me was this:
Polysaturated is when you have all the love in the world to give but not the time and energy.
That is true for me. I know I have the love to give but I am already shaken by the idea of other relationships in my current state. But the part that really rung true was that I understand the part about time and energy. I am a new mom and I am so exhausted all the time.
SO, I broke it off with my other partner and explained to my husband what I was feeling. Who understood and reassured me that what I was doing was difficult but better for all parties in the end.
I Need Friends Not Partners Right Now
It is not that I don’t care about my now ex-partner and it isn’t that I am not polyamorous. It is somewhere between I need to focus on myself and the relationship lasted as long as it needed. I am still very active in ENM. I just felt as if I was drowning at the time. However, I am coming out of that relationship knowing I don’t want serious relationships for a while.
I have decided to try and focus on building friendships rather than romantic relationships because it can be emotionally taxing for myself. This not only affects me but I see it takes its tolls on those around me.
The Take Away
I guess the take away from all of this is that no one should feel as if they are drowning in their own relationship. When that feeling arises it is time to reevaluate what is going on. For myself, that reevaluation lead to me realizing I was not feeling what I thought I was feeling and the other person’s feeling was stronger than what I felt for them. And I would never be able to reciprocate what they felt for me. In the beginning, I got so caught up in the NRE (new relationship energy). It was fun, they were new… but soon, maybe a couple of weeks, I was literally hiding in the house to avoid greeting them.
Platonic friendships are something I should work on right now because I don’t think I can keep dating people wholehearted one week and then feel as if I need to escape them the next week. It is exhausting. And frankly, it isn’t right for anyone I am dating to be on the other end of this.